(Augustine’s thirty-second year.)

( i ) 1. O my God, let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto Thee Thy mercies on me…​. I had ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance, whence was all other substance; nor did I now desire to be more certain of Thee, but more steadfast in Thee. But for my temporal life, all was wavering, and my heart had to be purged from the old leaven. The Way , the Savior Himself, well pleased me, but as yet I shrunk from going, through its straitness…​.

(The story of the conversion of one Victorinus influences him strongly, and he “longs to devote himself entirely to God, but is mastered by his old habits.”)

( iii ) 6. Good God! what takes place in man, that he should more rejoice at the salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than if there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less? For so Thou also, merciful Father, dost more rejoice over one penitent, than over ninety-nine just persons, that need no repentance . And with much joyfulness do we hear, so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which had strayed is brought back upon the shepherd’s shoulder , …​ and the joy of the solemn service of Thy house forceth to tears, when in Thy house it is read of Thy younger son, that he was dead, and lived again; had been lost, and is found …​.

( iv ) 9. Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us; kindle and draw us; inflame, grow sweet unto us; let us now love, let us run . Do not many, out of a deeper hell of blindness than Victorinus, return to Thee, approach, and are enlightened, receiving that Light , which they who receive, receive power from Thee to become Thy sons ?…​

( v ) 10. …​ I was bound, not with another’s irons, but by my own iron will. My will the enemy held, and thence had made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a froward will was a lust made; and a lust served, became custom; and custom not resisted became necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called it a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which had begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my former wilfulness, strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, and the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me; and by their discord, undid my soul.

(Alypius and Nebridius, friends of Augustine, are now with him at Milan. Alypius and another friend relate of Antony, the Egyptian monk, and of how two courtiers were converted by his influence. This rouses Augustine and stirs him deeply.)

( vii ) 16. Thou, O Lord, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my back, where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting me before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and defiled, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and stood aghast; and whither to flee from myself I found not. And if I sought to turn mine eye from off myself, Thou again didst set me over against myself, and thrustedst me before my eyes, that I might find out mine iniquity, and hate it . I had known it, but made as though I saw it not, winked at it, and forgot it.

( viii ) 19. …​ A little garden there was to our lodging, which we had the use of, as of the whole house; for the master of the house, our host, was not living there. Thither had the tumult of my breast hurried me, where no man might hinder the hot contention wherein I had engaged with myself, until it should end as Thou knewest, I knew not. Only I was healthfully distracted and drying, to live; knowing what evil thing I was, and not knowing what good thing I was shortly to become…​. (Alypius, as his intimate friend, goes with him into the garden; otherwise he is quite alone.)

( xi ) 25. Soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and not bursting that same slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and bind me the faster. For I said within myself, “Be it done now, be it done now.” And as I spake, I all but enacted it. I all but did it, and did it not: yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by, and took breath. And I essayed again, and wanted somewhat less of it, and somewhat less, and all but touched and laid hold of it; and yet came not at it, nor touched, nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to death and to live to life: and the worse whereto I was inured, prevailed more with me than the better, whereto I was unused: and the very moment wherein I was to become other than I was, the nearer it approached me, the greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back, nor turned me away, but held me in suspense.

( xii ) 28. When a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul drawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart; there arose a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which that I might pour forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from Alypius: solitude was suggested to me as fitter for the business of weeping; so I retired so far that even his presence could not be a burthen to me. Thus was it then, with me, and he perceived something of it; for something I suppose I had spoken, wherein the tones of my voice appeared choked with weeping, and so had risen up. He then remained where we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast myself down I know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears; and the floods of mine eyes gushed out, an acceptable sacrifice to Thee . And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto Thee: And Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry, forever? Remember not our former iniquities , for I felt that I was held by them. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long? how long, “tomorrow, and tomorrow?” Why not now? why not is there this hour an end to my uncleanness.